Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
