you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
