We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
