that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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