i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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