in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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