His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
