Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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