just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
