I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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