Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
