don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
