just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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