Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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