I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
