Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
