Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
