I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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