You smell like a Billy Joel song
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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