i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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