oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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