My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
