My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
