i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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