guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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