So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
