So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
