which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
