The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
