you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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