Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
