The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
