The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize
