She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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