My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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