Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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