We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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