Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
