In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
