in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
