You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
