One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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