just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
