Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She's not a foreskin expert like you
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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