you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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