peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
