Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
