you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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