Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
