sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
