Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We left an ass print on the piano.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
