he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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