Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
