Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
